Lockdown seems to have brought with it a new batch of unhelpful (if well intentioned) comments relating to fertility and pregnancy loss. Things such as ‘it’s probably for the best’ and ‘you wouldn’t want to be pregnant now, anyway’. (I hope this isn’t insensitive, but as someone who *is* pregnant right now, I can vouch for the fact that this idea is complete rubbish - hard as it has been at times, I haven’t for a second thought it would be better if I weren’t pregnant. Please stop telling people how they should feel). Then, of course, there are the hardy perennials, the ‘at least you can get pregnants’ and the ‘you can always just adopts’ - as this week’s guest blog makes plain. The author, who wanted to remain anonymous, writes about the double cruelty of infertility and loss, and dealing with being told, rather callously, that their only ‘good chance’ of having a baby was via egg donation. The link is in my bio now. 📝🔝
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P.S. I’m planning to run a few more guest posts (I think) before I’ll be taking a break for a while. I’m also hoping I’ve got a couple more posts of my own left in me...but am very much playing things by ear. If you want to make sure you don’t miss any updates, there’s a a button at the bottom of my site where you can subscribe to get posts emailed directly to you (you just get the posts - no other spam/cat pictures/pyramid schemes, I promise). .
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#miscarriagesupport #infertilityawareness #infertilitysucks #thewhatnottosays #twnts #childlessnotbychoice #cnbc #ihadamiscarriage #miscarriageblog #recurrentmiscarriage #pregnancyloss
The difference a year makes... This time last year, I wrote a post about how we were coming to the tail-end of taking a year’s break from trying to conceive. We had just come back from a holiday, a holiday we had only wanted to take without it being in the shadow of a recent miscarriage - or the fear of miscarrying again. This time last year, we were gearing up to try again, but it was also the first time I wasn’t telling myself ‘this time next year I could be pregnant’ or imagining us with a baby by next year’s Christmas. After three years and four losses, I didn’t dare.
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This time last year, I had never even set foot in the village where we live, let alone what is now our house. Our home.
Please don’t interpret any of this as yet another chorus of ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it/when you stop trying’ because, frankly, that is unhelpful bullshit and has certainly not been the case for us. Every decision and every step of the way has felt effortful. No, what I am saying is, a year can feel like an awfully long time - but its course can also change almost overnight. So if you feel stuck and hopeless right now, everything really could look completely different in 365 days - in all kinds of brilliant ways. (I’ve put a link to last year’s blog post in my bio, in case it speaks to you more than my pregnancy posts do right now).
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#pregnancyafterloss #miscarriagesupport #recurrentmiscarriage #ttcsupport #ttcafterloss #tryingtoconceive #lifeafterloss #hopeaftermiscarriage #uterusmonologues #ayearagotoday
A really stubborn weed has taken root in my mind at some point over the past few days. We reached 33 weeks at the weekend but rather than feeling more at ease the further along we get, if anything my anxiety has taken a backwards slide. I’ve been struggling with what feels like an increasingly leaden burden of responsibility and need for constant vigilance - a nagging, knotty thought that if anything goes wrong from here it will most likely be *my* fault. What if I fail to spot a change in baby’s movements in time? Am I getting complacent? What if I miss something, anything? .
These are not kind thoughts. I would never think them about anyone else. They are, I think, a nasty mutation spawned out of knowing that medically we’ve reached a point where baby should have a good chance of survival, should they choose to make their entrance now. And this is new, uncertain territory for us. We are far more used to the shoulder-shrugging, ‘nothing to be done for it’ zone of pregnancy. .
I haven’t found an appropriate weedkiller for this particular thought yet. I suspect there isn’t one, so I’m just trying to live with it. In the meantime, we’ve finally ordered a Moses basket and my ‘homework’ for this week is to pack a hospital bag. Next week we start NCT classes and maternity leave beckons....Flowers alongside the weeds. 🌱✨
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#pregnancyafterloss #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #kindness #mhaw2020 #PAL #maternalmentalhealth #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #recurrentmiscarriage #cornersofmyworld #flowersandweeds
✨Not on holiday ✨ This week, Dan and I had planned to be in Cornwall, soaking up what will (hopefully) be one of the last chunks of quality time we’ll have just the two of us. But we’re not, obviously. We’re at home and will be for the foreseeable. Still, this weekend I put on my most ‘holiday’ outfit (limited options these days), we read in the sun, and we went for a long walk with an ice cream. And we took pictures to mark the non-occasion - including the first and only picture of the ‘three’ of us so far (swipe ➡️). Previously, I’d been counting on the weddings we were supposed to go to this summer to get some photos of us (and bump). Now it’s all too easy not to bother taking any, when you’re not going anywhere; not doing anything much. But I know that whatever happens from here, I will want to remember this time, in all its strangeness. So here we are. Not on holiday.
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#32weekspregnant #pregnancyafterloss #PAL #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #lockdownpregnancy #memorymaking #pregnantinapandemic #thisismymotherhood #styleithappy #lifeafterloss
Something I’ve been thinking about recently is how the psychological experience of lockdown mirrors what people go through after pregnancy loss or protracted periods of trying to conceive. Loneliness. Uncertainty. The inability to plan. Small sore points, like milestone birthdays being overshadowed, cancelled plans, or not being able to book a holiday. Grieving an alternative version of your life. This has been reality for many of us for years, not weeks. And while this undoubtedly been a frightening time, I have also had moments where it’s all felt oddly familiar - like I know how to handle the ups and downs if I stop and think. .
So when this week’s guest post by @binemeadows landed in my inbox it joined those dots for me. It’s about the lessons she’s learnt from her three miscarriages and how they’ve helped her cope better during lockdown. Do have a read (the link is in my bio) it made me think and it made me feel a bit stronger. I hope it’s helpful wherever you’re coming from - I hope it helps if you’re struggling with lockdown and I hope it helps people to relate more closely to what people go through with miscarriage, loss and infertility. .
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#ttccommunity #miscarriageblog #recurrentmiscarriage #multiplemiscarriages #ttcafterloss #miscarriagesupport #babyloss #tfmr #infertility #maternalmentalhealth #lifeafterloss #lessonsfromloss #uterusmonologues
